"I read online that once you start shaving it starts growing back like crazy. Shave today, beard tomorrow."

(Warren Harrison, Trophy Wife, 1x17, The Wedding - Part Two)

Nick vs. Technology, New Girl, 3x12, Basketsball

"To restore your account you would have to purchase the unreturned video, which would be $59.99."

(The Goldbergs, 1x13, The Other Smother)

"Look who snuck down to the all-night mini mart and grabbed some cheap wine?"
“Oh, you know, sometimes I don’t want to strangle you.”
“Why would you want to kill the best guy you’ve ever been with?”
“And then suddenly I do again.”

(Melissa & Joey, 3x17, A Decent Proposal)

"It’s a doomsday plan, not a picnic plan. Do you really want to see the horrors we might have to endure just to get on a boat?"

(Troy Barnes, Community, 5x04, Cooperative Polygraphy)

"Hey, you ladies need cash envelopes or are you guys cool?"
"I always need a cash envelope."
"I’m sorry.  Envelopes for what?"
"Well, at Italian wakes the mourners give the family a donation after they’ve viewed the deceased."
"So, it’s pay-per-view?"

(2 Broke Girls, 3x11, And The Life After Death)

"Andrew, you’re wrong about Housewives.  It’s an allegory for our times."